Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Now it's my turn to meltdown
This is a difficult post for me to write today. I had what I could consider a small nervous breakdown last night. Well, maybe not so small. I was basically hysterically crying and couldn’t stop myself. Why? Good question. I am sure a part of it was the boy, but that certainly wasn’t all of it. My life is good on all accounts. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and that I adore and love back. He takes care of me and is my rock. I have a job, a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I should be good right? Well I’m not. I’m a big fat mess of depression that can’t get off the couch in the evenings and whose favorite time of day is bed time.
I’m upset by the fact that I have this illness. That there feels like nothing in the world I can do to fix myself. I have a chemical imbalance that even on 4 medications is still not under control, at least not at the moment. I have a wonderful family who supports me and two kids who need me, but I feel like I can barely function right now. Time to go back to therapy…..absolutely. Called the doc this morning to try to get an appointment and had to leave a voicemail.
I’m not one, who has thoughts of harming myself, but I do have that flight or fight feeling and right now the flight is taking over. I want to hide in the back of a dark closet and not come out. Or get in my car and just drive…don’t care where to….just drive.
It’s frustrating for those around me cause they don’t know what to do to help. Sadly there is nothing to do but hug me and be there when I collapse. I tend to withdrawl and turn into myself. I get quiet and don’t have much to contribute to life. My poor husband has taken on an extra child more or less. I am grateful and blessed to have him and his support, he understands me.
I’m unhappy and I don’t know why or what to do to change it. I need a hobby, but nothing appeals to me. When I say nothing, I mean nothing. Maybe when I’m out of the funk I can find something that makes me happy to pass the time close to home. My problem is that the things I love are camping and backpacking and that’s just not an easy thing to do in January with a family and a job.
I often wonder if there’s something else wrong with me. Is it just depression and anxiety or do I have something more significant like my son. I don’t know that answer. 6 years with the same psychiatrist and he seems pretty confident that it’s a Major Depression Disorder and Major Anxiety Disorder. Either way it sucks. It sucks that medication doesn’t seem to be working, or maybe it is and if I didn’t have it imagine then what I might be like. YIKES.
I am sure this will pass in time, it usually does. My fear though is that one day I will have an episode that won’t go away. What then? That’s the problem when you are in the throes of a depressive bout, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. You just pray to whatever God you believe in that it’s there.
Posted by Emchristianson at Wednesday, January 25, 2012